Enticed by Christmas sales, I decided to purchase a stone bathmat as a present to myself after shopping for gifts that will go to everyone else. “Stone bathmats are popular because they're absorbent, eco-friendly, and can help keep your bathroom dry and slip-free,” is the sentence that sold me. And so I purchased said mat from Amazon. However, after more than a week, Amazon informed me that the delivery was delayed, and that I may request a refund. Past needing to gift myself, I cleared my calendar for the dreaded Amazon customer service call.

Robot Boy, a recorded voice, greeted me, “Hi. Welcome to Amazon customer service. I’m here to help you, first by finding your account…We can do that through a text message. I’ve got your phone number pulled up here. Can I send you a text message to verify your account?”

“No,” I said, “I’m on a landline.”

“Verifying your account will expedite the time it takes to resolve your concern. Can I quickly send you a text message to verify your account?”

“No,” I repeated.

“Now, in a few words, what can I help you with today? For example, you can say my order didn’t arrive or I’m waiting for my refund. Tell me in a few words…”

“Well, ah…I got a notice from Amazon that says my order is delayed and that I can request a refund and therefore I’d like to request the refund.” I cringed at the amount of words used.

“Your issue can be resolved much quicker if you contact us through chat. Can I send you a text message?”

“No.”

“I can send you a link to help you with this. Ready for the text?”

“No.”

“OK is there anything else I can help you with today?”

“I need to speak with a REPRESENTATIVE!”

“OK. Let me get you to the right person. In a few words can you tell me…”

I interrupted, “I’d like to speak with a REPRESENTATIVE.

“OK. To make sure I get you to the right person can you tell me…”

“Wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah,” I said mimicking the teacher in the Charlie Brown television series that aired every Christmas when I was a child.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get that. Please tell me in a few words…” I repeated the same nonsense.

“OK. Let me get you to a representative.”

The live rep had a heavy accent, which I didn’t mind, but she also sounded like she was underwater, which I did mind.

“Can I send you a text message?” she asked.

“No,” I said. And then she put me on hold long enough to have taken an elevator to another floor to dig up my account information in the dead files. Upon reconnecting, she thanked me for being a Prime Member.

After much rigmarole and several more lengthy holds during which I pictured her helping non-Prime Members, she finally refunded my money, and then said she’d be sending me an email that I should ignore. “What? An email I should ignore?” I asked.

“You’re going to get two emails,” she continued, “One that you should ignore, and another that will confirm your refund.”

I should have never asked, but I did, “Why even bother to send an email I should ignore?” Her rapid-fire explanation, which I asked to hear three times, was as incoherent as it was exhausting, and so I gave up trying to understand.

“And now before we hang up, I have one question,” added the rep. “Did I resolve your problem?”

“I won’t know until I receive my refund,” I replied.

“Thank you for confirming that I resolved your problem. Can I help with anything else?”

“No thank you,” I said before hanging up.

Going forward, I plan to perfect my Charlie Brown teacher-voice for future customer service calls. BTW, I only got one email. The one that confirmed my refund so I guess that’s a Merry Christmas to me after all!