The phone rings and because I love the thrill of not knowing who it is, I don’t have Caller ID. I pick up the receiver. Yes, a receiver on a mounted dial-up phone attached to a wall with a very long coiled wire that gets tangled whenever I move around, which is always. This time, on the other end of the line is a female Artificial Intelligence (oxymoron?) voice that robotically says, “We’re sorry. An application error has occurred. Goodbye.” And then there’s a loud click; the kind that tells you the other party has hung up.

Later that day, there’s another call sounding more like a recording than AI. It’s a man’s voice this time that says, “This is an apology call from your electric company. You’ve been paying too much for your electricity.” 

My response: Duh! As a matter of fact, I’ve noticed lately that the electric bill keeps soaring.  It’s not an apology I need, how about a refund? And don’t bother calling, just send it. Thank you very much. Of course, he doesn’t hear me. No one does.

Since I don’t have a push button phone, I can never speak with anyone. I can’t press any of the numbers these voices tell me to press. It’s not possible. I end up shouting ‘one’ into the phone and when not connected, I simply hang up and then laugh out loud. The calls, however, have been increasing and this should not be happening.

I’ve been on the National Do Not Call list, which you can also sign up for at https://www.donotcall.gov/. I inquire if my number is already registered because I know it is; I go through this process about every two years. The government’s response:  “You successfully registered your phone number on June 20, 2006. Most telemarketers will be required to stop calling you 31 days from your registration date.” 

My response: It’s been many more than 31 days since 2006 so why are the calls increasing? 

I register again, today, and get this message: “You have registered [your] telephone number in the National Do Not Call Registry. You may print this page if you wish to retain a copy for your records.” 

My response: Thanks if I hold the printed page up to the phone, will it act as a restraining order? No one replies so I’ll have to see.

Now I’m almost good. The other issue is emails. My favorites along with my responses are as follows:

“Hello, I hope this mail reach you. Please do not be upset…” 

ME: I’m upset your grammar. Please someone look at your mails before send them out.

“Hi dear: I am writing to donate 4,800,000 US dollars to you…” 

ME: I already have too much money, please send the dough to a charity of my choice.

 “Dear, I have a serious client who would be interested to invest in your company…” 

ME: I only talk to serious clients. Too bad I’ve never owned a single company.

“Greetings and sorry this message arrived in your spam folder…” 

ME: Dude, it arrived there for a reason. And now it’s in my trash folder.

“Congratulations! It’s my pleasure to announce to you that your fund which was unable to be delivered due to logistics is now safely deposited with Deutsch Bank in Germany. We’ll need a scanned copy of your passport, driver’s license and national identification card as well as your bank account number (if you want to receive the money), your full name, occupation and phone number.” 

ME: If you’ve already deposited the money in a German account, then whose name is it currently under? Could you please send all of the above information plus a photograph of said person to me ASAP? I’ll take care of it from there. Thank you very much!

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.