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Ramona's Ramblings

The mysterious, but brilliant, and oh so cantankerous Dr. X-part II

Ramona Jan
Posted 4/4/23

My husband, Andre, and I followed Dr. X through a combination of icy rain and snow to an Indian restaurant in Astoria, Queens. It was a long couple of blocks and during the trek I tried hard not to …

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Ramona's Ramblings

The mysterious, but brilliant, and oh so cantankerous Dr. X-part II

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My husband, Andre, and I followed Dr. X through a combination of icy rain and snow to an Indian restaurant in Astoria, Queens. It was a long couple of blocks and during the trek I tried hard not to stare at doctor’s legs as they wobbled in directions unknown to the human body. His entire form ever tilting forward as if he were about to topple over; Andre and I flanking him on both sides readying for the fall. How quickly I had thrown out my main creed: Physician heal thyself.

At the restaurant, Dr. X extracted pad and pen from his ragtag briefcase and began questioning me. He wrote everything in Chinese. He looked at my recent bloodwork and scratched out a few more notes. He took my pulse with three fingers that at first hovered above my wrist for the longest moment and then, like mosquitos striking, landed directly on several pulse points. He became frustrated when I couldn’t tell him if I tended toward warm or cold.

“Something in the middle,” I said. Wrong answer. 

“Let me see tongue,” he ordered. I stuck it out and after a mere second he gave a disgusted look and signaled with a wave to please put it back in. He then concluded that I’d have to ingest a pound and a half of thirty different herbs per day for the next two years.

“Herbs? Like tea?” I asked, “How do I brew them?”

“You jumping ahead!” he bellowed and then hollered in Chinese something I took to mean stop asking stupid questions. Dr. X then explained that he’d have the formula distilled into liquid at a Chinatown pharmacy, packets of which would be sent by UPS.

“How do I take the packets?” I asked.

“I aw-ready tell you dat! You not lis’ nin!” he yelled clearly agitated.

“I just want to get it right,” I said accepting fault. (In the car ride home, however, both Andre and I noted that up until that point Dr. X hadn’t said a thing about what to do with the packets.) Right then, Dr. X’s nose began to run like the creek behind our house. I wondered again about physician heal thyself until Andre later explained that all that nose clearing was probably due to the spicy Indian food.

In the middle of our talk, Dr. X suddenly got up and left the table. He didn’t excuse himself. He didn’t say where he was going or for how long or if he’d ever come back. He just disappeared. This gave Andre and me time to laugh out loud. Upon returning, Dr. X opened his arms Jesus-style and announced, “I am the world’s greatest herbalist.” I admired his confidence. And then he asked for my credit card, which of course, I instantly handed over. 

I was prepared for this request because that’s what the person who referred me to Dr. X said would happen. It never occurred to me that they might be in cahoots. They weren’t. He needed the number to make it easier for the compound Chinese pharmacy to send the decocted herbs. 

After notating my cc information, the perpetually annoyed Dr. X bowed his head in silence. Were we done? Oh right! It was time to hand him a wad of cash. In my upbringing, when someone hands you cash, you don’t count it in front of them. You trust them. Not Dr. X. He took forever adding up to what amounted to four separate bills. He then stood up, laughed and left the restaurant without much of a goodbye except, “Those who don’ like my herbs, not for them!” Words of wisdom, I suppose. Only time and tasting will tell.

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.

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