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Ramona's Ramblings

When eyeglasses are like screwdrivers

Ramona Jan
Posted 11/1/22

Someone asked me, “Aren’t you afraid you’ll run out of ideas?” This question came in reference to my column. The very one you are now reading. “Not really,” I …

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Ramona's Ramblings

When eyeglasses are like screwdrivers

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Someone asked me, “Aren’t you afraid you’ll run out of ideas?” This question came in reference to my column. The very one you are now reading. “Not really,” I said. “I’ll just go outside or, better yet, I’ll just walk around the house and, say, write about my eyeglasses.”

You see, I’m supposed to wear bifocals, but I don’t because they make me dizzy. Instead, I have two pairs of lenses; one for distance and one for near. And I have multiple pairs of each. When I discovered that my eyes were not that different, I asked my doctor to prescribe the same lens for each eye. In this way, I figured, my weaker eye would work harder plus I could buy my glasses online for pennies because no prescription is necessary when you are simply farsighted with no other complications. However, I’m now technically far and nearsighted. It comes with age and it’s called Presbyopia. I need different power magnifiers to see far and near. And so I have multiple pairs of +4.50 and +6.25. Those of you in the know, now realize that I am probably legally blind, but that is not the point.

My eyeglasses are like screwdrivers. You’ve probably experienced this; whenever you want a flathead screwdriver, all you can find is a Phillips? It’s because the pesky screwdrivers are not only telepathic, they are both sinister and magical. The minute you think of the flathead, by collusion, they all change at once into Phillips. 

Like screwdrivers, eyeglasses are also telepathic and they read minds, only their trick is to hide. As soon as I need the distant glasses, the near ones all go hiding. This leaves me wandering around the house for long periods of time looking in every nook and cranny only to come up with nothing but the pairs I don’t need. And when all I have is the near glasses, looking for anything in faraway spaces becomes a real challenge. I’ve had no choice, but to trick them back!

If you ever see me wearing two pairs of glasses, one on top of the other, it means I can’t find the reading lenses. Awkward as it may seem, plopping one pair of distant lenses on top of the other does the job of near seeing and hopefully annoys the magnifying lenses that are hiding. I hate to dash their folly. I just don’t have time for blindness. 

Like I said, at any given moment, I own multiple pairs each of distance and near lenses. I get these glasses online for about $10-$20 a pair. I buy them two dozen at a time because I know I will eventually lose them, step on them, run them over with my car, break them, scratch them and so on. All these things have happened and still happen. I would have to be an entirely different person if I owned, say, a pair of $600 bifocals. What would I do? Plus, I’d need a pair of prescription sunglasses as well as blue blockers. 

The way I get around blocking blue light (important after sundown if you want to produce melatonin for sleep) with my existing routine is to use clip-on blue blocking lenses. They practically fit over all of my lenses. However, the older I get, the thicker my lenses get and it’s now becoming a stretch to fit those clip-ons on. 

What were we talking about? Oh, right, column ideas. Haven’t run out, yet. How about the time I went for a simple walk down river road and ended up driving home in a convertible Fiat with the top down? 

But that’s another story.

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.

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