Catherine, my friend from the ’80s, created “codes” to survive life back then. Do they still work today? Absolutely.

Corporate Survival 101:

• Feel like rage, despair, or apocalypse? Your outfit says otherwise. Meek hides everything. Tip: your blazer should scream “calm” while your soul screams “run.”

• “Dutiful dress” mandatory, especially if you’re a secretary pretending not to run the place. Remember: power wears a pencil skirt.

• Dowdy or tailored—it doesn’t matter, as long as it says, “I am here to serve.” Servile glances count too.

• Need a personal day…week…month? Ask. Worst-case: fired. Life is short. Use the “I have a personal emergency” line liberally.

• Your job: massive reports, research, calls, calls, calls, word processing, Xeroxing. Did I mention Xeroxing? If your arms don’t ache, you’re not doing it right.

• Bring a bag with a change of clothes. Auditions wait for no one. Bonus: bag also contains survival gear in case you’re trapped in a car that’s sinking in the ocean.

• Wear rings, especially moonstone “poison rings” to track your emotional rollercoaster. Check your mood before the meeting—you might be headed for a panic attack.

• Pantyhose. Yes, even if you hate it. Catherine warns: “I once wore a mid-drift top to my first secretary job.” Lesson: never trust your own judgment before coffee.

After-Hours Chic:

• Add a jacket, a scarf, and earrings to an all-black ensemble or if you’re really thirsting for intrigue, a mix of every color and pattern in your closet. The more patterns, the more mysterious.

• Platforms: out. Wear them anyway if you’re short. Height is negotiable; confidence is not.

• Heels at work, sneakers on the subway home. Comfort counts after 6 PM.

• Keep hair natural. Catherine: “I went to London and got uber-bleached. Clients asked for the ‘blonde whose hair was like straw.’” Tip: straw-colored hair is never a good look unless you’re auditioning for a scarecrow.

• Wigs: yes. Avoid legal servers (people who deliver subpoenas and court notices). Our ’80s wigs were huge enough to signal extraterrestrials, so maybe don’t overdo it. Extra points for dramatic flair.

Dating Rules, Catherine Style:

• Chemistry is confusing; focus on knowing the person. Spark alone is not enough; check for basic decency.

• Daytime dating: safer, smarter. Sunlight reveals everything.

• Share history, jokes, and quirks. If they laugh at your worst story, keep them.

• Red flags: mass murderer? Bad grammar? Zero interest in your quantum physics musings? Swipe left mentally, even if they’re cute.

Relationship Mastery:

• Deep talks: channel Columbo. “Let me run this by you…” or “I could be wrong, but…” Non-aggressive starts to difficult conversations work magic.

• Non-confrontational is key. Arguing is strategic; choose your battles wisely.

• Stay open-minded, discuss, repeat. Practice makes perfect, even at compromise.

• Never put your partner on the defensive. Defensive partners are exhausting partners.

• Don’t wait for the “perfect” moment. If it matters, speak up. (Just not during dessert.) Timing is crucial; cheescake is sacred.

Catherine’s code: stylish, strategic, slightly outrageous—but undeniably effective.

Bottom line: dress smart, talk smart, love smart—and never, ever underestimate the power of a good wig.

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.