We all get obviously suspicious emails either in our inboxes or spam folder. Without giving any of my personal information, I decided to have some fun and respond to a few of them. Below are the exchanges. I did not change the grammar, spelling or punctuation of the letter writers:

FROM: Ms. Moe Sakamoto

Hello ,

I am glad meeting you here! My name is Mrs Moe Sakamoto, I’m from Kyoto. City in Japan, I am writing this letter in confidence believing that it is the will of God to meet with you since we have not met before, can you help to build this project in your country ? (charity foundation) Please get back to me urgently for full details.

Thanks,

Moe

Dear Moe:

It’s a miracle you’ve found me through the internet. Please tell me something about your charity. I understand it’s urgent.

BTW, how was it, really, with Shemp, Larry and Curly? 

Best,

Ramona

Hello ,

I glad meeting you here! Charity Foundation is for building in Kyoto. God bless you. Please provide copy of driver’s license, social security, bank account, and passport for secure transaction of your pending donation. 

Thanks,

Moe

Dear Moe:

I ask very little of you. Before I pull the trigger, please tell me something juicy from behind-the-scenes of The Three Stooges as they were a staple in our American culture. What is most intriguing is that you, the leader, have moved to Japan. 

Furthermore, I understand that Shemp filled in for Curly when Curly had a stroke. Do you think Curly’s stroke was due to his repeated antic of lying on the floor and spinning himself around on his ear while yelping like a small dog?

I await your response.

Best,

Ramona

Of course, I never heard back from Moe. In another letter, I got an offer of a lifetime from SUZANE:

Hi RAMONAJAN 

i’m Suzane Do you wanna hanging out? I’m so excited. i’ll do anything you want.

Dear Suzane:

I have a very dirty toilet I’ve been trying to get clean for years. I know, it’s embarrassing, but I’m at my wits end with this chore. Plus, it may require a toxic chemical. Is this too much to ask? When can you come over?

Best,

Ramona

Sadly, I never heard from Suzane again. In another letter from HAZEI:

Hello Sir/Madam,

This is HAZEl . How are you doing today?

The reason Why i am mailing you is to provide you with digitizing services at very least rates. So would you let me know how much you pay for the left chest or Cap Logo? At our Digitizing Company, we have a dedicated team of experienced digitizers, designers, and knitters, each with extensive expertise in their respective fields. 

Thanks,

HAZEI

Dear HAZEI:

Anything to do with the left chest or cap sounds pretty precarious to me. As for knitting, I’m very glad you have some knitters at your disposal. However, I do my own knitting. And as far as anything to do with the left chest or cap, I’ll leave that up to the surgeons.

Thank you,

Ramona

And now this from MARKETING MANAGER:

Hello,

I was checking your website.It looks great, but it’s not ranking on

Google’s 1st page. With your permission I would like to send you an Audit report of your website? We can place your website on Google’s 1st page (Yahoo, etc.) May I send a quote & audit report of your website?

Thank You!

Marketing Manager

Dear MM:

Yes, please send an audit report immediately for a website that I am totally unaware of since I don’t have one. 

Thank you, 

Ramona

To be continued…

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.