My friend hides her garlic and other valuables in the back seat of her car hoping that no one will break in and steal them. It’s like hiding your valuables in your shoe at the beach. Well, not exactly. She’s going to lock her car. Something I didn’t do years ago when my car became a sitting duck in my own driveway. 

When I had a car, I used to keep it unlocked in my driveway with my purse in it because I was generally irresponsible and just too lazy to pick up my bag and take it inside. It was so convenient just to leave it in the car where, like a head securely attached to a pair of shoulders, I’d never forget it. After all, my handbag contained all my cash, credit cards and my ID including my driver’s license.

One night as I was, for a change, fast asleep, some alleged drug addicts pulled into my driveway and rifled through my car. I’m normally a light sleeper and my bedroom faces the road. Still, I didn’t hear or see a thing. To this day, I don’t know why.

My car happened to contain about six of my very goulash marionettes hanging in the back with their eyes wide open and their mouths agape. It was a frightening scene for anyone not accustomed to creepy dolls. One strung-up puppet was made from a plastic doll that I had cut the limbs off of and then reattached them so that they’d move. That doll wore an Aerosmith T-shirt and had eyes that blinked. You can just imagine how those so-called heroin addicts may have reacted to seeing such creatures.

They didn’t take any of them. In fact, they steered entirely clear of the back of my car. Instead, they grabbed my purse. Inside the bag was a light gray change purse. My husband’s car did not fare as well. The hoodlums ransacked it, but only got away with a few coins as Andre is smart enough to remove all valuables from his car each and every night. Allow me to remind you that I no longer own a car.

This incident happened right before a major holiday, a terrible time to lose one’s identity because that’s what happens when your ID’s are also in your now missing bag. I reported the burglary to the police and a few days later, an officer showed up at my door…with some questions. 

“What exactly was taken from your vehicle?” he asked. I then described in detail my bag as well as the change purse that was inside it. He then asked me to wait a minute while he went to his patrol car to retrieve something, my bag and the small gray purse.

When he handed me the gray change purse, it was brimming with quarters. I knew I didn’t have that much change in it. In my bag, there was about two hundred dollars in loose bills that I also didn’t have previously. I then confessed to the officer that I didn’t have that much money and, trying not to look like the mastermind, even theorized that the criminals must have stuffed all of their take into my convenient receptacles. 

“Well, you have it now,” he said.

“But can’t we divvy it up between all the victims?”

“Nope,” he said. 

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because it’s inside your legal possessions, and therefore belongs to you.”

“How about you give me the names of the other victims and I’ll share it with them?”

“We can’t possibly do that,” explained the policeman. “That would be a violation of their privacy.”

“Okay,” I said. “I give up. You’re the law and I’ll obey it for a change. I mean, for some change. Thank you and have a happy holiday!”

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.