While some things are no laughing matter, others are a barrel of laughs. Some even say that at the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. I would have to agree. Laughter can be the shortest distance between two people and also healing as long as milk doesn’t come out of your nose. 

Some people laugh things off, while others have the last laugh. If you’re lucky or hardworking, you may be laughing all the way to the bank. That’s not me, but I like to watch. No matter where you stand with laughter, here are 39 quotes from comedian Steven Wright to brighten your day by conjuring your personal brand of laughter.

1. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12. Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19. I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 . The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.