If you read my last week’s column (and I know you did), then you may recall how I spoke of the influence my longtime friend, Catherine, has had on me. She has two college degrees, one in fine art, the other a doctorate in psychology. As a preface to her latest advice, she has instructed me to inform you, dear readers, that she is a very liberal minded person, and for decades has made suggestions, most of which I have taken. Here is her latest, and I quote:

“I just heard that there’s a call out for ICE agents. That’s a job you haven’t had, yet. They are hiring anyone up to 75 years-old! You could make 100k+ for a few years, and then quit! It’s a $50,000 signing bonus!!! No college degree! It’s not only kicking in doors, there are jobs like being in a surveillance van. If 50k is the bonus, do they not pay you the rest of the year? Hahahaha! Or just get the bonus and leave. You would get it easy. You could be the brains behind the operations, and wear cool bulletproof stuff. You could make bulletproof pants out of Kevlar fabric. This had potential!”

There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s start with the overuse of exclamation points. Yes, $50K is lots of money, but is it deserving of a triple play?

More importantly, Catherine mentions that working for ICE is a job I haven’t had, yet. True. As explained last week, because of Catherine I have landed many unusual jobs that I call predicaments including Private Detective, NYC Geisha, and Scabby. A scabby is someone who risks his or her life by crossing a picket line during a strike. I did this when I became part of the professional wait staff at The Pierre Hotel in ’85. I had no waitressing experience, and thankfully, the stint did not last long.

I love that Catherine points out working for ICE is “not only kicking in doors” even though that’s probably what I’d like to do. Not to capture people, but just for the sake of kicking in doors. But she’s right, at my age, surveillance or “brains of the operation” is a better choice.

My response, “I love the idea of sitting in a van with a cup of coffee and either chatting with other agents or snoozing during surveillance. What are the requirements? How should my resume read aside from the detective work I’ve already done?

“Gee, [I] don’t know. [Just] be under 75? One ad I saw said, defend your culture…You could do this. You can schmooze them no matter the requirements.”

And so I asked AI, and got this:

The basic requirements are:

•  U.S. citizenship

•  Valid driver’s license

•  Medical and vision screening

•  Drug test

•  Physical fitness test

•  Background check

• Polygraph (for law enforcement roles)

• Ability to legally carry a firearm

• Successful completion of basic training

I’m concerned about the vision test. I hope I can wear glasses. Without them, I am legally blind. I wonder: If my eyeglasses were swiped off my face during some kind of scuffle, would that count as poor vision? And what exactly does the physical fitness test entail? I’m not sure I’ll pass.

And what does it mean, “Ability to legally carry a firearm?” According to AI, I cannot have any felony convictions or domestic violence misdemeanor convictions. Check! I also cannot have a restraining/protection order involving threats or harassment nor can I be a fugitive from justice, addicted to controlled substances, adjudicated as mentally ill or committed to a mental institution. Plus, I must be a U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident. All check!

I tell Catherine, “I think I’ll be uncomfortable in a bulletproof vest and pants made of Kevlar, whatever that is.”

Her final words, “Not if you make them yourself. You can make them very flowy. Not too tight. Remember how we used to wear our clothes in the 80s?” Stay tuned for next week’s The Catherine Code: Dressing for success and more.

RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.