There’s ‘abracadabra,’ a magic word of unknown origin that we’ve all heard in stage magic. And then there’s ‘bibbidi-bobbidi-boo,’ a magic word sung by the …
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There’s ‘abracadabra,’ a magic word of unknown origin that we’ve all heard in stage magic. And then there’s ‘bibbidi-bobbidi-boo,’ a magic word sung by the Fairy Godmother in Cinderella when she transforms an orange pumpkin into a white carriage, four brown mice into white horses, a gray horse into a white-haired coachman and a brown dog into a white-haired footman. And then there are the magic words most humans don’t know about, and when they do discover them, if they do, they rarely use them.
I was introduced to the magic words long ago by an older, wiser woman named Margaret who had found several expensive mirrors in the hallway of her apartment building and, assuming they were being discarded, took them into her flat. When the landlord knocked on her door asking if she had the mirrors, without excuse she instantly confessed to taking them. The magic words she used and that I’m about to reveal, smoothed the situation, and even turned it into a pleasant one; so pleasant, she got to keep the mirrors. Her story showed why and how to use the magic words which are: “I’m sorry, I was wrong to (fill in the blank). In her case, she said, “I’m sorry, I was wrong to have taken the mirrors without asking.” The landlord was dumbfounded and ended up apologizing to her for being so brusque.
Margaret said the magic words in all sincerity, and she meant them. She did not go on the defensive. She did not add a “but” to the equation even though she could have said, “But they were just strewn in the hall and I thought they were trash.” She simply found the truth of her actions, took responsibility, and owned up to it. Again, the magic words are: I’m sorry, I was wrong to (fill in the blank). Easy, I thought, but not for me.
As life progressed, I saw that pride stood in the way of my using the magic words. Even saying I’m sorry was difficult for me. And then I remembered Margaret’s words, “Find a truth, even if it’s only one, and then say the magic words. If you can’t find your wrongdoing, dig deeper. Once you find it, admit to it using the magic words, and then zip your lip no matter how the person reacts because that’s out of your control. Above all, refrain from going on the defensive by calmly repeating the magic words. Defending yourself will never transform a situation.”
Transforming a volatile situation is what I had always wanted, but saying the magic words was harder than I had imagined. At first, I fumbled for the truth. It hurt to have to admit I was wrong even when I knew I was. I wanted to be right all the time. So I created a two-step exercise:
Step One: Find the truth, but don’t say it. Not yet.
Step Two: Find a safe situation to try the magic words.
However, ‘safe situations’ were impossible because the magic words were needed in the direst times.
Husbands and wives often quarrel, and each wants to be right. Sometimes there’s no compromise. I’ve been married for over thirty years, and although we avoid the small stuff now, we still argue at times over the bigger stuff. This is the person with whom I have the hardest time using the magic words, and admitting my wrongdoing. So I started with my daughter. Somehow this was easier because I figured if I use the magic words between us, she might learn to do the same.
There’s no stage magic with the magic words. The best that can happen is a pause in an argument, an opening of hearts, and a shift toward forgiveness. “But have no expectations,” advised Margaret, “The magic words are more for you than anyone else.”
RAMONA JAN is the Founder and Director of Yarnslingers, a storytelling group that tells tales both fantastic and true. She is also the roving historian for Callicoon, NY and is often seen giving tours around town. You can email her at callicoonwalkingtours@gmail.com.
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